I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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