I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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