he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
try to milk me bitch
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
