i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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