So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
