Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
