I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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