tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
