8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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