I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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