my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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