I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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