and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
