Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
