I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
