grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
