I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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