No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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