my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
