8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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