This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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