It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize