dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
