WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize