Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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