1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It's blow job season.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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