Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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