I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
