I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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