Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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