Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
