PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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