Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
