you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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