I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
