I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
