Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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