i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
