Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
