Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
