nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
