What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
