I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize