one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
