theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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