I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm too high and old for this...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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