I just cut my nipple shaving
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
