I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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