Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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