God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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