I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
