i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize