i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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