Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm eating all of the evidence.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
