Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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