her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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