i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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